Warning! This is not a truck joke! But it's dang funny.

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to the Wailing Wall to check it out, and there he was.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Joanna Johnson from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years".

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, the Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop, and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"Sir, how do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a freakin' wall."

A small-town policeman stopped a speeding truck and asked the name of the driver.

"It’s Ladislav Zybkcicraznovskaya."

The policeman answered, "Well, don’t let me catch you speeding again!"

A lady trucker named Alice
Who drove from Ft. Worth to Dallas
Owned a chicken truck so bright
That real late at night
It shone like the aurora borealis

--Billy Bigrigger

A police officer attempts to stop a truck for speeding, and the driver gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the rig and says, "It’s been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go."

The driver thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

Billy Bigrigger decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.

In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Billy.

"Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?" said the lawyer.

Billy responded, "Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded up that horse I was hauling—"

"I didn’t ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’"

Billy said, "Well, I had just got that horse into the trailer and I was driving down the road—"

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Billy’s answer and said to the lawyer, "I’d like to hear what he has to say about that horse."

Billy thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded that horse I was hauling into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and that horse was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear that horse moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

"Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear that poor horse moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

He said, "That poor animal was in such bad shape I had to shoot her—how are you feeling?"

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde driving behind him catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." Then, she dashes back to her car.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Again, she turns and runs back to her car.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

The driver replies, "Hi, my name is Kevin, and I’m driving the salt truck!"

Then there was the driver who entered the weigh station and was given the green light to proceed. He promptly stopped and drove around behind the scale house.

The driver entered the scale lane again and was given the green light again. He stopped and again drove around the scale house.

He did this twice more and finally the DOT officer stopped the driver and asked, "Driver, what are you doing! I’ve given you the green light four times!"

The driver looked strangely at the DOT man and blurted, "That dang lyin’ fleet manager! I told him that I was out of hours and he told me just to drive around the scales and I wouldn’t have any problems with the DOT."

An angry trucker went back to the dealership where he’d purchased an expensive battery for his rig six months earlier.

"When I bought that battery," he shouted, "You said it would be the last battery my rig would ever need. It died after only six months!"

"Sorry," apologized the salesman. "I didn’t think your rig would last longer than that."

"Jack Hammer" was running real late
And about 5,000 pounds overweight
Said a CB’er, "There!
"Was that just a bear?"
"No," came the reply, "That’s bear bait."

--Billy Bigrigger

How to tell if you've been on the road too long...


You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

You can remember every episode of "Movin’ On," but can’t remember your anniversary.

You think "Country and Western" covers both types of music.

Your favorite cologne smells like exhaust.

You call the wrong number and talk to the person for an hour anyway.

You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can’t remember how old your children are.

You know enough to get your driving done early on Sundays before the Sunday drivers come out.

You read "Truck Trader" with a highlighter pen.


--Billy Bigrigger

This truck driver gets stuck in Colorado, calls his dispatcher and says, "I can’t drive. The dang snow’s too deep."

"No problem," says the dispatcher. "Just find a snowplow and follow it."

Well, the driver does just that. He follows the snowplow for a few hours, until the plow driver stops, gets out, and walks back to the rig.

The plow driver jumps up on the running board, and says, "Okay, I’m done with the K-Mart parking lot now. Are you going to follow me over to Wal-Mart?"

These two truck drivers are barreling along when they come up to an overpass.

"What’s that sign say?" the first driver asks.

"It says, ‘clearance: 11 feet, two inches," replies his partner.

They get out of the rig, measure their trailer, and realize that it’s exactly 11 feet, six inches tall.

The first driver checks up and down the road, looks at the second driver, and says, "I don’t see any cops around…let’s go for it!"

Have you heard about the trucker who calls his rig "Baby"?
It goes everywhere with a rattle.

How many truckers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they’d rather sit in the dark and whine.

Ya know about 18 wheelers don’t ya?
They’re just 4 wheelers with 14 training wheels.

How do you make a million dollars in trucking?
Start with two million.

Why do some Roadway trucks only have one seat?
So the driver knows which side to get in on.

Did you hear about the trucker with the hundred-thousand-dollar rig?
He bought a twenty-thousand-dollar rig four years ago.

Did you hear Peterbilt, Kenworth and Freightliner are going to make a truck together?
They’re going to call it a Truck Worth Shakin’.

These three truckers ended up at the Pearly Gates at the same time, and Saint Peter, tired of asking the same old questions, decided to ask them about their rigs.

"What kind of truck did you drive?" he asked the first driver.

"A Freightliner," the driver replied.

Saint Peter pushed a button and the applicant fell through a hole into the fiery depths below.

"What kind of truck did you drive?" the saint asked driver number two.

"Mack," the driver answered.

Again, Saint Peter pushed a button and the applicant fell through a hole into the fiery depths below.

"How about you?" Saint Peter asked the third driver.

"I drove a Peterbilt," the driver replied.

"Well, come on in," Saint Peter said. "You’ve been through hell already!"

An efficiency expert started his survey of the trucking company by asking the president, "How many truck drivers work for you?"

The president replied, "About half of them."

The expert finally proved that the transportation company was wasting money with its scheduling. He showed the head driver how a three-day trek could be cut down to one day.

The head driver said, "What are we going to do with the other two days?"

Things Not to Say to a Cop when You’re Pulled Over

Back off Barney, I’ve got a piece.

Want to race to the station, Sparky?

On the way to the station, let’s get a twelve pack.

Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

I’m surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Hey, you must’ve been doing’ about 125 miles an hour to keep up with me! Good job!

Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.

You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to go to truck driving school instead.

"Bad Cop! No Donut!"

You’re NOT gonna check my trailer, are you?

Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?

I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.

So, uh, you "on the take" or what?

Gee, officer! That’s terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

Aren’t you one of the Village People?

If I was speeding, you probably were speeding to catch me, so how ’bout we forget the whole thing!

…Excuses Just for Lady Truckers

I’m sorry officer, I just got breast implants and wearing a seatbelt hurts.

I was speeding to get you to notice me so we could exchange numbers!

You Know You’ve Been on the Road Too Long When…

Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

You’ve honked at someone because they didn’t peel out the second the light turned green.

You know from experience that caffeine tablets don’t dissolve in cola.

You can’t remember the last time you blinked.

You have to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife will let you in the house.

You can remember the engine specifications on a truck you owned 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife’s birthday.

The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

Your rig has more miles on it than your 15-year-old four-wheeler.

You can cross 4 lanes of traffic in 20 seconds.

Why do women have a hard time making it in trucking?

Because when you give one a load, it’ll take her nine months to deliver.

"You have reached the truck drivers hotline. No one is available to take your call right now. Leave a message and a driver might call you back. If you have a touch-tone phone you may use our automated menu as follows:

"Press 1 for a radio check.

"Press 2 if you just want to whine.

"Press 3 for roadside assistance.

"Press 4 for the results of last week’s NASCAR race.

"Press 5 for the current price of diesel fuel.

"Press 6 if you want to whine about the current price of diesel fuel.

"Press 7 for a shower ticket.

"Press 8 for a "Shut up, Stupid!"

"Press 9 for bondsman information.

"Thank you for calling the truck drivers hotline."

Whinin' about my rig...

You know what’s the difference between a door-to-door salesman and my old large car?
You can close the door on a door-to-door salesman.

--Billy Bigrigger

Mrs. McGuyver, on I-91
Spotted a broke-down Barr-Nunn
Asked Mrs. McGuyver
"Do you need a screwdriver?"
Said the driver, "Can you wait ’til I’m done?"

These two truck drivers were discussing finances.

"Last month, I lost a thousand dollars. This month, I lost two thousand."

"Why don’t you quit driving truck?"

"How would I make a living?"

Caution: Advertising Ahead!

If you like to read, go to www.writeuptheroad.com and read something good. Trucker fiction at its finest.

--Billy Bigrigger

After taking his CDL test, the potential driver was asked to add a statement at the bottom of the page declaring under oath that they had received no help during the test and had given none to others.

He wrote, "I didn’t get any help during this test, and the Lord knows, I couldn’t give any."

At a job interview, a potential trucker was asked, "Do you have enough determination to drive a truck from coast to coast?"

"Oh, yeah," the trucker replied. "I’m full of drive."

"But you’re requesting a high salary for someone with no experience in this field," said the interviewer.

"Yes, but the job’s so much harder when you don’t know anything about it."

"Your resume says you’ve worked about 45 years, but you say you’re only 38 years old! How do you explain that?"

"Overtime."

"Do you have any references?"

"Sure, I’ve got hundreds of references."

"And how long have you been a truck driver?"

"About three months."

"Do you know what the motto of our company is?"

"Yes, sir, it’s ‘Push!’"

"What gave you that idea?"

"I saw it printed on the front door when I came in."

"Okay, I’ll pay you 50 cents a mile now and raise it to a dollar a mile in three months. When can you start?"

"In three months."

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights."

Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy’s in the wrong store! He says he wants 3 flat tires and 2 headlights."

The cook laughs and says, "He must be an old-timer. He wants 3 pancakes and 2 eggs sunny-side up."

The waiter nods, then takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.

The driver looks at it and growls, "What’s this? I didn’t order this!"

The young man tells him, "I just figured while you’re waiting for parts, you might as well gas up.

"My partner is such a lousy driver, he lost control of the rig the other day and ended up back on the right side of the highway."

--Billy Bigrigger